The threats being made by the Democrat Party against innocent Republican Donors and Party Members are absolutely unprecedented, and totally illegal. Please report them to the Department of Justice, IMMEDIATELY! If you would like, send them directly to me, your President. These SLEAZEBAGS should go to jail for what they are doing. The Senate must act, and stop being pushed around to the point of the Republican Party losing Elections, and worse! Likewise, the DOJ and House of Representatives. Thank you for your attention to this matter. President DONALD J. TRUMP
The presidential version
★
The American PresidentThe presidential version: how a statesmanlike president would say it
Satire
I am concerned by reports that Republican donors and party members have received threatening messages. Intimidation has no place in our democracy, whoever it targets.
Anyone who receives a threat should report it to local law enforcement or to the FBI. The Department of Justice will assess each case independently, on the facts and the law. And I ask Congress to make sure that citizens of every party can support the candidates of their choice without fear.
Bon. Paraît que des gens d’en face embêtent nos donateurs. Moi je dis rien, mais c’est pas joli-joli.
Alors vous faites quoi ? Vous écrivez à la justice. Ou bien, si ça vous arrange, vous m’écrivez à moi, directement. Pas de souci, je lis tout. Enfin, je fais lire. Et merci de votre attention, hein.
English version
Right. Apparently some people on the other side are bothering our donors. I’m not saying anything, but it’s not very nice.
So what do you do? You write to the justice department. Or, if it’s easier, you write to me, directly. No problem, I read everything. Well, I have it read. And thank you for your attention, eh.
Adieu ! Il paraît que des gens d’en bas menacent nos amis. Chez nous, une affaire comme ça, on la règle au café du village, avec le président de commune et un verre de fendant.
Lui, il veut qu’on lui envoie les lettres à lui. Bon. Mais à la montagne, on sait une chose : celui qui crie le plus fort au sommet, c’est rarement celui qui a fait le chemin.
English version
Hello! Apparently some lowlanders are threatening our friends. Up here, we’d settle something like that at the village café, with the mayor and a glass of white wine.
He wants the letters sent to him. Fine. But in the mountains we know one thing: whoever shouts loudest at the summit is rarely the one who did the climbing.
Genevois (Switzerland)Geneva
Satire
À Genève, quand quelqu’un se sent menacé, il porte plainte auprès du Ministère public, et l’affaire suit son cours. Lentement, comme il se doit.
Lui propose qu’on lui envoie les lettres directement, à lui. C’est original. Nous, on a un Palais de justice et une Poste : deux bâtiments différents. On peut lui envoyer les deux adresses.
English version
In Geneva, when someone feels threatened, they file a complaint with the public prosecutor, and the case takes its course. Slowly, as it should.
He suggests sending the letters directly to him. That’s original. We have a courthouse and a post office: two different buildings. We can send him both addresses.
Parisien (France)Paris
Satire
Des menaces contre nos donateurs ? Envoyez-les au ministère de la Justice. Ou à moi. Ou au ministère, avec moi en copie. Bref, à moi.
Et traiter les gens de « sales types » avant tout procès, c’est un peu rapide, non ? Merci de votre attention à ce sujet. Je dis toujours ça à la fin : c’est mon côté bien élevé.
English version
Threats against our donors? Send them to the Justice Department. Or to me. Or to the Department, copying me. So, to me, basically.
And calling people “sleazebags” before any trial is a bit hasty, no? Thank you for your attention to this matter. I always say that at the end: it’s my well-mannered side.
Sud de la FranceMarseille, Provence
Satire
Oh, c’est une honte, une honte comme on n’en a jamais vu depuis l’invention de l’aïoli ! On menace nos amis ! Envoyez tout à la justice, et tout de suite !
Ou envoyez-le-moi, à moi, votre Président : je m’en occupe personnellement, comme un pastis, sans attendre et sans eau. Ces fadas, en prison ! Bon, après le procès, hein. S’il y en a un.
English version
Oh, it’s a disgrace, a disgrace like nobody’s seen since the invention of garlic mayonnaise! They’re threatening our friends! Send it all to the justice department, right now!
Or send it to me, your President: I’ll deal with it personally, like a pastis, straight away and without water. Those lunatics, to jail! Well, after the trial, mind. If there is one.
Ch’ti (France)Nord: Lille, Valenciennes
Satire
Eh biloute, paraît qu’y a des gens qui reçoivent des lettres pas gentilles. Ichi, une lettre pas gentille, on l’amène au commissariat. Pas à la mairie, et encore moins au président.
Et on dit pas « en prison » avant d’avoir écouté l’aut’ côté. Ch’est comme ça qu’on fait dans l’Nord : on s’engueule, puis on boit un coup ensemble.
English version
Hey pal, apparently some people are getting nasty letters. Up here, you take a nasty letter to the police station. Not to the town hall, and certainly not to the president.
And you don’t shout “to jail” before hearing the other side. That’s how we do it in the North: we have a row, then we have a drink together.
United States
New York (United States)New York City
Satire
Somebody’s threatening donors? Okay. In New York, you get a threatening letter, you call a lawyer, you call the cops, and maybe you call your cousin. You don’t mail it to the President. He’s busy.
Also, “sleazebags”? Pal, around here that’s what we call the guy who takes up two seats on the subway. Let the courts sort it out.
In plain English
New York’s advice: if you are threatened, go to a lawyer and the police, not to the President.
And “sleazebag” barely counts as an insult in New York. Let the courts decide who did what.
Deep South (United States)Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi
Satire
Well, if somebody’s sending ugly letters, that’s just bad manners, and we don’t hold with bad manners. Take it to the sheriff, honey.
But calling folks sleazebags and hollering “jail” before anybody’s had their day in court? My mama would’ve said that’s no way to talk. President or not.
In plain English
The South dislikes threats and bad manners, from either side: report threats to the police.
But calling people names and demanding prison before any trial is not how a well-raised person talks, even a president.
United Kingdom
Yorkshire (United Kingdom)Leeds, Sheffield, York
Satire
Threatening letters, is it? Then take them to the police, love. That’s what they’re for. Sending them to the President is a long way to post something, and dear on stamps.
As for “sleazebags” and “jail”, we’d want to hear both sides first. Round here, you don’t call a man a crook till you’ve seen his accounts.
In plain English
Yorkshire’s advice: take threats to the police, not to the President (it would cost a fortune in postage anyway).
And before calling anyone a criminal, look at the evidence.
The Diplomat
The American President is just above. Here, the other statesmen.
The British DiplomatA senior British diplomat or Prime Minister
Satire
His Majesty’s Government has every confidence that, where threats against citizens are reported, the appropriate authorities will look into them. It is, if we may say so, a matter best left to the police and the courts rather than to the personal post of a Head of State.
Strong language has its place in politics. We find it is usually in the second draft, shortly before it is removed.
What he really means
If there are threats, the police should deal with them, not the President’s inbox.
And please stop calling people sleazebags.
The French DiplomatA French President or a diplomat of the Quai d’Orsay
Satire
France condemns, without reservation, any intimidation aimed at citizens because of their political commitments, wherever it comes from. In a democracy, such matters belong to independent justice, and to it alone.
We would add, with all the friendship that unites our two republics, that justice is best served when it is not asked to act “IMMEDIATELY” by the head of state himself.
The Swiss PresidentA President of the Swiss Confederation
Satire
The Federal Council takes seriously any threat against citizens who take part in political life. In Switzerland, such cases are reported to the police and handled by independent prosecutors, whatever the party of those involved.
We are attached to the separation of powers, and we have found that it works best when each power keeps its own letterbox.
I am pleased to announce that the Great Dana White, a violent Fighter and Warrior, has been offered the job of Press Secretary of the United States. I have requested that he bring with him assistants, even though some are not from our Country, of Islam Makhachev, Khabib Nurmagomedov, Justin Gaethje, Daniel Cormier, Amanda Nunes, and Kayla Harris. We need these people to defend us against the Lunatic Left. Dana will be a Press Secretary like none other. Dana, please take the job! President DONALD J. TRUMP
The presidential version
★
The American PresidentThe presidential version: how a statesmanlike president would say it
Satire
I have offered the position of White House Press Secretary to Dana White, who built one of the most successful sports organizations in the world. I admire his energy and his directness.
The Press Secretary’s job is to inform the American people and to answer the press, including its hardest questions. I am confident Dana would bring candor to that podium, and I hope he will accept.
Around the world
Switzerland & France
Genevois (Switzerland)Geneva
Satire
Écoutez, j’ai proposé le poste de porte-parole à Dana White, avec une petite délégation internationale de champions de combat pour l’accompagner.
À Genève, on reçoit des délégations étrangères toute l’année, mais d’habitude elles viennent négocier la paix. La mienne viendra tenir la salle de presse. Ce sera un porte-parole comme on n’en a jamais vu au bord du lac. Dana, accepte, on t’offre le café à six francs cinquante.
English version
Listen, I’ve offered the press secretary job to Dana White, with a small international delegation of fighting champions to go with him.
In Geneva we host foreign delegations all year round, but usually they come to negotiate peace. Mine will come to hold the press room. A press secretary like none ever seen by the lake. Dana, accept, and the seven-dollar coffee is on us.
Adieu ! J’ai proposé à Dana White d’être mon porte-parole. Un vrai lutteur ! Et je lui ai demandé de venir avec quelques champions, même des étrangers, pour nous défendre contre les gens d’en bas.
Chez nous, on a les combats de reines : des vaches d’Hérens qui se poussent front contre front, personne ne se blesse, et la gagnante monte la première à l’alpage. Dana, c’est ma reine. Dana, viens, la place est à toi !
English version
Hello! I’ve asked Dana White to be my press secretary. A real fighter! And I’ve asked him to bring a few champions, even foreign ones, to defend us against the lowlanders.
Up here we have cow fights: Hérens cows pushing head to head, nobody gets hurt, and the winner leads the herd up to the summer pasture. Dana is my queen. Dana, come on, the job is yours!
Fribourgeois (Switzerland)Fribourg, La Gruyère
Satire
Salut les gaillards ! J’ai proposé à Dana White d’être mon porte-parole. Un lutteur, un vrai, avec toute une équipe de champions, même des étrangers.
Chez nous, on connaît : la lutte suisse, dans la sciure. Et à la fin, le vainqueur aide le perdant à se relever et lui enlève la sciure du dos. Je ne sais pas si Dana fera ça avec les journalistes. Mais bon, Dana, prends le job, ça joue !
English version
Hey folks! I’ve asked Dana White to be my press secretary. A wrestler, a real one, with a whole team of champions, even foreign ones.
We know all about it here: Swiss wrestling, in sawdust. And at the end, the winner helps the loser up and brushes the sawdust off his back. Not sure Dana will do that with the journalists. Still, Dana, take the job, it’s all good!
Sud de la FranceMarseille, Provence
Satire
Oh, je vous annonce une nouvelle extraordinaire, la plus extraordinaire de l’histoire : Dana White, porte-parole ! Un guerrier ! Et avec lui, des champions du Brésil, du Daghestan, de partout ! Contre les fadas de gauche, il faut ça.
À Marseille, on appellerait ça le Vélodrome un soir de Marseille-Paris. Dana, viens, on t’attend, et on t’a gardé la meilleure place à l’ombre du platane !
English version
Oh, I’m announcing extraordinary news, the most extraordinary in history: Dana White, press secretary! A warrior! And with him, champions from Brazil, from Dagestan, from everywhere! Against the lunatics on the left, that’s what it takes.
In Marseille we’d call that the stadium on a Marseille–Paris match night. Dana, come, we’re waiting for you, and we’ve kept you the best seat in the shade of the plane tree!
Parisien (France)Paris
Satire
J’ai proposé le poste de porte-parole à Dana White, un vrai combattant, avec des champions du monde entier comme assistants. Contre la gauche, il faut ce qu’il faut.
Chez vous, le porte-parole esquive les questions avec des phrases ; le mien les esquivera avec un crochet du gauche. C’est plus franc. Dana, prends le job, je t’en supplie. Enfin, je te le demande. Fermement.
English version
I’ve offered the press secretary job to Dana White, a real fighter, with champions from all over the world as his assistants. Against the left, you need what you need.
Your spokesmen dodge questions with long sentences; mine will dodge them with a left hook. It’s more honest. Dana, take the job, I’m begging you. Well, I’m asking. Firmly.
Lyonnais (France)Lyon
Satire
Les gones, j’ai proposé à Dana White de devenir mon porte-parole, avec des champions de combat comme assistants.
À Lyon, la formule existe déjà : ça s’appelle Guignol. Depuis deux siècles, il tape sur le gendarme avec son bâton, et tout le monde rit. Dana sera un porte-parole comme on n’en a jamais vu. Dana, accepte, et viens manger au bouchon.
English version
Guys, I’ve asked Dana White to become my press secretary, with fighting champions as his assistants.
In Lyon the formula already exists: it’s called Guignol. For two centuries he’s been whacking the policeman with his stick, and everyone laughs. Dana will be a press secretary like no other. Dana, accept, and come and eat at the bistro.
United States
Boston (United States)Boston, Massachusetts
Satire
I offered Dana White the press secretary job. Fighter, warrior, the whole deal. He’s bringing a few champions too, some from overseas, don’t care.
You want to handle the press in this country? Kid, I’ve been in the room after the Red Sox lose to the Yankees. Dana, take the job. And bring more guys.
In plain English
He has offered the job to Dana White and his fighters, and doesn’t care where they come from.
As a Bostonian, he knows sports press conferences can be brutal, so Dana had better bring backup.
Texas (United States)Austin, Dallas, Houston
Satire
Well, I’ve offered the press secretary job to Dana White, a real fighter, a warrior. And I’ve asked him to bring a few champions along, some of them not from around here, because we need folks who can handle the Lunatic Left.
In Texas, we’d call that a town hall meeting. Dana, it’s a big job in a big country. Saddle up and take it!
In plain English
He has offered the job to a fight promoter, with champions as backup, against the “Lunatic Left”.
In Texas, a press room full of fighters sounds like a normal town meeting; he wants Dana to “saddle up” and accept.
United Kingdom
Liverpool (United Kingdom)Liverpool, Merseyside
Satire
I’ve offered Dana White the press secretary job, lad. Proper fighter. Told him to bring his mates, a few of them not from round here, to sort out the Lunatic Left.
A press office full of fighters? Sounds like a Saturday night in town. Dana, go ’ed, take the job. And bring Khabib round ours for a brew.
In plain English
He’s hired a real fighter as press secretary, with his mates as backup.
In Liverpool, a room full of fighters just sounds like a night out; he invites them all over for a cup of tea.
The Diplomat
The American President is just above. Here, the other statesmen.
The British DiplomatA senior British diplomat or Prime Minister
Satire
We note with interest the President’s choice of Mr White, whose experience in managing robust exchanges of views is beyond question. The briefing room can indeed be a lively place.
We would simply observe that, in our tradition, a spokesman’s most effective defence remains the phrase “I couldn’t possibly comment.”
What he really means
He is hiring a fight boss to deal with journalists.
We prefer to dodge questions politely. It hurts less.
The French DiplomatA French President or a diplomat of the Quai d’Orsay
Satire
France has always welcomed great champions, including those who come from abroad, and we warmly congratulate Mr White.
We confess to some surprise, however. In the French tradition, a government spokesperson defends the government with words, sometimes a great many words, but rarely with a submission hold.
The Swiss PresidentA President of the Swiss Confederation
Satire
The Federal Council takes note of this appointment and wishes Mr White every success in his new duties.
In Switzerland, the Federal Council’s spokesperson is the Vice-Chancellor, and our press conferences rarely require more protection than a glass of water. We remain at the disposal of all parties, should they ever wish to continue the debate in a quieter setting.
The Democrats are going around threatening a lot of people, including the Attorney General of the United States, and others, with Impeachment and many other forms of punishment, even though they admit they have no reason to do so, and there have been no impeachable acts committed, or even thought of, by the victims of this illegal process. This is extortion at the highest level, and they should be held accountable for this. Also, they’re threatening our Donors, some of the most respected people anywhere in the World, with imprisonment, and many other levels of punishment, just because they happen to be Republicans, or Republican supporters. This is Weaponization and Lawfare at another level. The Senator from Michigan, Elissa Slotkin, is saying that she is going to go after all young people that believe in Republican Values, and that give even the slightest inclination to be a Republican. The imprisonment should be against these EXTORTIONISTS, and Republicans should get smart, fast! Threatening letters have been sent to many people, all innocent, from Democrat Political Leaders. By copy of this statement, I am ordering the Department of Justice to look into this criminal act, immediately! President DONALD J. TRUMP
The presidential version
★
The American PresidentThe presidential version: how a statesmanlike president would say it
Satire
Several members of my administration, including the Attorney General, have been threatened with impeachment, and some Republican supporters say they have received letters warning them of legal consequences. I believe these threats are unjustified, and I am concerned that political disagreements are being turned into legal threats.
Impeachment is a serious constitutional process, reserved for serious misconduct, and it should never be used as a means of pressure. Anyone who believes they are being threatened unlawfully should contact law enforcement. It will be for the Department of Justice, acting independently, to determine whether any law was broken. I ask the leaders of both parties to lower the temperature.
Around the world
Switzerland & France
Neuchâtelois (Switzerland)Neuchâtel, La Chaux-de-Fonds
Satire
Il dit que ses adversaires menacent tout le monde de destitution, alors qu’il n’y aurait rien à reprocher à personne.
Ici, quand on soupçonne une montre de mal fonctionner, on ne crie pas au sabotage : on l’ouvre, on regarde, et on laisse l’horloger trancher. Les procès, c’est pareil. On laisse le juge ouvrir le boîtier.
English version
He says his opponents are threatening everyone with impeachment, when nobody has done anything wrong.
Round here, when we suspect a watch isn’t working, we don’t cry sabotage: we open it, we look, and we let the watchmaker decide. Trials are the same. Let the judge open the case.
Bon. Il dit qu’on menace ses amis de destitution sans raison, et que c’est de l’extorsion « au plus haut niveau ». Chez nous, le plus haut niveau, ce sont les Diablerets, et on y monte à pied, sans menacer personne.
Qui a raison ? Faut voir. Mais crier « en prison » à tout bout de champ, ça joue pas trop, ou bien ?
English version
Well. He says his friends are being threatened with impeachment for no reason, and that it’s extortion “at the highest level”. Round here, the highest level is the top of the Diablerets, and we walk up there without threatening anyone.
Who’s right? We’ll see. But shouting “to jail” at every turn doesn’t really work, does it?
Fribourgeois (Switzerland)Fribourg, La Gruyère
Satire
Salut les gaillards ! Il dit qu’on menace ses amis et ses donateurs, et que c’est de l’extorsion.
Chez nous, à Fribourg, on a deux langues et on s’entend quand même. Quand ça chauffe, on ne crie pas « en prison » : on fait une fondue moitié-moitié. Moitié pour toi, moitié pour moi. Ça calme tout le monde.
English version
Hey folks! He says his friends and donors are being threatened, and that it’s extortion.
In Fribourg we speak two languages and still get along. When things heat up, we don’t shout “to jail”: we make a half-and-half fondue. Half for you, half for me. It calms everyone down.
Breton (France)Brittany
Satire
Il dit qu’on menace ses amis, que c’est de l’extorsion, et que la prison, c’est pour les autres. Bon.
Ici, on dit qu’il ne faut pas crier contre le vent : ça vous revient dans la figure. Envoyez donc les lettres à la justice, et laissez-la faire son travail. Elle aussi, elle aime le calme.
English version
He says his friends are being threatened, that it’s extortion, and that prison is for the other side. Right.
Here we say you shouldn’t shout into the wind: it comes straight back in your face. Send the letters to the courts, and let them do their job. They like a bit of calm too.
Parisien (France)Paris
Satire
« De l’extorsion au plus haut niveau », « du lawfare à un autre niveau »… Il aime bien les niveaux. Moi aussi : j’habite au sixième sans ascenseur.
Bref, si quelqu’un menace quelqu’un, il y a des juges pour ça. Ordonner une enquête au ministère de la Justice par communiqué, c’est très pratique. Pas sûr que ce soit très indépendant.
English version
“Extortion at the highest level”, “lawfare at another level”… He likes his levels. So do I: I live on the sixth floor, no lift.
Anyway, if someone threatens someone, there are judges for that. Ordering the Justice Department to investigate by press release is very convenient. Not sure it’s very independent.
Sud de la FranceMarseille, Provence
Satire
Oh, quelle histoire ! On menace ses donateurs, des gens parmi les plus respectés du monde entier, de l’univers même ! Et la destitution, et la prison, et tout !
Moi je dis : du calme. Ici, quand deux voisins se disputent pour une boule de pétanque, avant de crier, on mesure.
English version
Oh, what a to-do! They’re threatening his donors, some of the most respected people in the whole world, in the universe even! And impeachment, and prison, and everything!
I say: calm down. Round here, when two neighbours argue over a pétanque ball, before anyone shouts, we measure.
United States
California (United States)Los Angeles, San Francisco
Satire
Okay, so everyone’s threatening everyone with impeachment and prison and “lawfare at another level”? That is a lot of energy for one Saturday.
Maybe everybody takes a breath, goes for a hike and lets the courts do their thing. Ordering an investigation by social media post is, like, not the vibe.
In plain English
California finds the whole quarrel exhausting: threats of impeachment and prison on all sides.
Its advice: everyone calm down and let the courts work. Ordering investigations by post is not a good look.
Midwest (United States)Minnesota, Ohio, Iowa
Satire
Well, sounds like an awful lot of folks are upset with each other right now. Threatening letters aren’t very neighborly, whoever’s sending them.
But ordering the Justice Department around from your phone? That’s not how we’d go about it either. Out here we’d sit everybody down, put on a pot of coffee and let the judge figure it out.
In plain English
The Midwest dislikes threats from anyone, and also dislikes a president giving orders to the Justice Department by social media post.
Its solution: calm down, talk it over, and let the courts decide.
United Kingdom
London (United Kingdom)London
Satire
Extortion at the highest level, lawfare at another level, weaponization at yet another. One does admire the floor plan.
In London we’d say that’s a lot of levels for one building, and suggest someone check the planning permission. As for ordering the Justice Department about by press release: brave.
In plain English
London teases the President’s “levels”: extortion at the highest level, lawfare at another level, and so on.
And it finds ordering the Justice Department to investigate by public statement rather bold, in the ironic sense.
The Diplomat
The American President is just above. Here, the other statesmen.
The British DiplomatA senior British diplomat or Prime Minister
Satire
His Majesty’s Government does not comment on the domestic political affairs of our closest ally, and will therefore confine itself to a general observation.
Impeachment, prosecution and imprisonment are serious matters. In our experience they are best decided by parliaments and courts respectively, and only rarely by press release.
What he really means
We don’t comment. But we will anyway:
a president should not order prosecutions in a social media post.
The French DiplomatA French President or a diplomat of the Quai d’Orsay
Satire
France follows with attention, and with deep respect for American institutions, the debates currently under way in Washington.
Political confrontation is the lifeblood of democracy; independent courts are its guarantee. We trust that the Department of Justice will act with the independence that American democracy rightly expects of it.
The Swiss PresidentA President of the Swiss Confederation
Satire
The Federal Council does not comment on the internal politics of friendly countries.
We would only recall that in Switzerland there is no impeachment of a member of the government: Parliament simply decides, every four years, whether to re-elect them. And the people vote four times a year, which leaves very little time for threatening letters.
An independent satirical project. Original statements are sourced and attributed. All presidential and regional adaptations are fictional, AI-assisted editorial interpretations.