The English Edition

Presidential

I have seen the questions raised this week about my fitness for office, and I understand why Americans want to hear from their President directly. Questions like these deserve an answer, not an insult.

I have been fortunate in my life. I built a business, I found success in television, and the American people entrusted me with this office in my first campaign. I don’t take that as proof of my own brilliance. I take it as a responsibility.

The best answer I can give to doubts about my judgement is the work itself, and I invite every American to judge me by it.

Vaudois, adapted

Well. Some people are saying I’ve lost my marbles. I’m not saying anything, mind you. I’d be better off keeping quiet. But still.

I had a business that did all right, I did a bit of TV, and then I became president on the first go. So, genius… we’ll see. I wouldn’t say genius. I’d say it’s fine. It works.

And stable, too: three glasses of the local white on a vineyard terrace and I’m still standing. Come on, no rush, the lake isn’t on fire. We’ll talk about it later, yeah?

Valaisan, adapted

Hello everyone! How’s the chalet? Word is that down in Bern, and among the lowlanders, people wonder whether I’ve still got all my wits.

Listen here: I built a business, I did TV, and I got all the way to the top on the first try, the way you climb to the summer pasture, without stopping at every hairpin.

A genius? Up here we call that being stubborn as a mule. And stable, oh yes: stable as an old granary on its stone stilts. Come on, have a glass of white and let’s say no more about it.

Genevois, adapted

Right, listen. Apparently some people have doubts about my mental health. In Geneva we host a head of state every week who is convinced he’s a genius, so I can see how people get confused.

But I’ve got the paperwork: a business, television, the presidency on the first try. The kind of career you’d present at a conference at the UN, between two coffees at seven dollars each.

A stable genius? Let’s say stable like Geneva’s famous fountain: 140 metres high, and switched off the moment there’s a bit of wind.

Parisien, adapted

Right, let’s not make a whole night of it. Some people doubt my mental health. Honestly, I’ve seen worse on the subway at rush hour.

I started a company, did some TV, got elected on the first try. No connections. Well, almost none.

Genius? That’s an understatement, but I’m a modest man. Stable? More stable than the Paris commuter train, anyway. Now, I have a café terrace waiting for me and a waiter who’s going to look down on me.

Sud de la France, adapted

Well, blow me down! Some people say I’m crazy? Me? Oh, bless them…

Listen to me carefully: I ran a business that was doing fantastically, I did TV, and I became president on the first try. Nobody had ever seen anything like it! So yes, I’ll say it calmly, in the shade of the plane tree: I am a genius.

And stable, eh! Even with the mistral blowing at a hundred kilometres an hour, I don’t budge an inch. You don’t believe me? It’s like the sardine that blocked the port of Marseille: it’s true, I swear. Well… almost.

Presidential

Despite persistent criticism in the press, my administration remains focused on the work the American people elected us to do. A free press is entitled to its criticism, and we are entitled to answer it with results.

Correction: an earlier message from this account was sent incomplete. We regret the error.

Fribourgeois, adapted

Hey folks! Despite everything the papers say about me all day long… covfefe.

Now, people from outside the canton thought it was a typo. But here in Gruyère, after a harvest festival, three glasses of wine and the festival’s sweet mustard, everybody talks like that, and nobody asks for a translation.

Besides, across the river, in the German-speaking part, they got it right away. They said “Exactly.” Come on, let’s finish the fondue before it gets cold.

Ch’ti, adapted

Hey, buddy! Despite all those journalists badmouthing me all the time… covfefe.

It’s not a word, it’s a sneeze. With the downpour we’ve had all week, you’d have caught a cold too.

Come on, come over for a coffee, let’s not make a big cheese out of it. Not even a stinky one.

Presidential

Health care is one of the most complex systems in American life. It touches every family, every employer and every hospital in the country, and that is exactly why getting reform right matters more than getting it done fast.

Doctors, patients and many of the governors in this room have understood that complexity for years. We intend to learn from them, and we still intend to deliver a better law.

Neuchâtelois, adapted

Nobody knew health care was so complicated? In this canton we’ve known for ages: we’ve spent years arguing about whether the hospital should be up in the mountains or down by the lake.

We make watches with three hundred parts that fit inside a thimble. So complicated things, we know about.

But a health system is more complicated than a watch with complications. And on top of that, it doesn’t even tell the time.

Lyonnais, adapted

Nobody knew health care was so complicated? Come on, guys, lay off the new wine.

Any Lyonnais will tell you: it’s easier to cross the old town through the secret passageways without getting lost than to understand a medical reimbursement form.

Right, let’s discuss it over lunch at the bistro, with some fried tripe and a jug of red. And after that, I promise, we reform.