Satire
The Presidential Edition
The same political message, delivered the way a measured, diplomatic American president would: the substance kept, the insults and exaggerations left out.
The very stable genius
Original: “….Actually, throughout my life, my two greatest assets have been mental stability and being, like, really smart. Crooked Hillary Clinton also played these cards very hard and, as everyone knows, went down in flames. I went from VERY successful businessman, to top T.V. Star….. ….to President of the United States (on my first try). I think that would qualify as not smart, but genius….and a very stable genius at that!”
The presidential version · satire
I have seen the questions raised this week about my fitness for office, and I understand why Americans want to hear from their President directly. Questions like these deserve an answer, not an insult.
I have been fortunate in my life. I built a business, I found success in television, and the American people entrusted me with this office in my first campaign. I don’t take that as proof of my own brilliance. I take it as a responsibility.
The best answer I can give to doubts about my judgement is the work itself, and I invite every American to judge me by it.
What changed
- Answers the question instead of the questioner.
- Drops the insult to a former opponent.
- Lists the same career, without the capital letters.
- Leaves the word “genius” for others to use, if they wish.
Lire la version présidentielle en français
J’ai pris connaissance des questions soulevées cette semaine sur ma capacité à exercer mes fonctions, et je comprends que les Américains veuillent entendre leur président s’exprimer directement. De telles questions méritent une réponse, pas une insulte.
La vie m’a beaucoup donné : j’ai bâti une entreprise, j’ai connu le succès à la télévision, et les Américains m’ont confié cette fonction dès ma première candidature. Je n’y vois pas la preuve de mon génie, mais une responsabilité.
La meilleure réponse que je puisse apporter aux doutes sur mon jugement, c’est le travail accompli. J’invite chaque Américain à me juger sur pièces.
Covfefe
Original: “Despite the constant negative press covfefe”
The presidential version · satire
Despite persistent criticism in the press, my administration remains focused on the work the American people elected us to do. A free press is entitled to its criticism, and we are entitled to answer it with results.
Correction: an earlier message from this account was sent incomplete. We regret the error.
What changed
- Finishes the sentence.
- Treats the press as a fact of democracy rather than an enemy.
- Corrects the mistake instead of letting the spokesman explain it.
Lire la version présidentielle en français
Malgré les critiques persistantes de la presse, mon administration reste concentrée sur la mission que les Américains lui ont confiée. Une presse libre a le droit de critiquer ; nous avons le devoir de répondre par des résultats.
Rectificatif : un précédent message de ce compte a été publié incomplet. Nous prions nos lecteurs de nous en excuser.
Nobody knew health care could be so complicated
Original: “Now, I have to tell you, it’s an unbelievably complex subject. Nobody knew that health care could be so complicated.”
The presidential version · satire
Health care is one of the most complex systems in American life. It touches every family, every employer and every hospital in the country, and that is exactly why getting reform right matters more than getting it done fast.
Doctors, patients and many of the governors in this room have understood that complexity for years. We intend to learn from them, and we still intend to deliver a better law.
What changed
- Admits the difficulty without claiming nobody else had noticed.
- Credits the people who had noticed.
- Keeps the political goal: replacing the law.
Lire la version présidentielle en français
Le système de santé est l’un des plus complexes de la vie américaine. Il concerne chaque famille, chaque employeur et chaque hôpital du pays ; c’est précisément pourquoi il importe davantage de bien le réformer que de le réformer vite.
Les médecins, les patients et bon nombre des gouverneurs ici présents connaissent cette complexité depuis longtemps. Nous entendons apprendre d’eux, et nous restons déterminés à proposer une meilleure loi.