Twitter · 6 January 2018
The very stable genius
Asked about his mental fitness, the President answered with his CV, a jab at Hillary Clinton and a new job title. We asked a real president, and a few cantons, to try again.
The original
Original statement · verbatim, not satire
….Actually, throughout my life, my two greatest assets have been mental stability and being, like, really smart. Crooked Hillary Clinton also played these cards very hard and, as everyone knows, went down in flames. I went from VERY successful businessman, to top T.V. Star…..
….to President of the United States (on my first try). I think that would qualify as not smart, but genius….and a very stable genius at that!
Wording to be checked against the source before launch
The presidential version
The presidential version · satire
I have seen the questions raised this week about my fitness for office, and I understand why Americans want to hear from their President directly. Questions like these deserve an answer, not an insult.
I have been fortunate in my life. I built a business, I found success in television, and the American people entrusted me with this office in my first campaign. I don’t take that as proof of my own brilliance. I take it as a responsibility.
The best answer I can give to doubts about my judgement is the work itself, and I invite every American to judge me by it.
What changed
- Answers the question instead of the questioner.
- Drops the insult to a former opponent.
- Lists the same career, without the capital letters.
- Leaves the word “genius” for others to use, if they wish.
Lire la version présidentielle en français
J’ai pris connaissance des questions soulevées cette semaine sur ma capacité à exercer mes fonctions, et je comprends que les Américains veuillent entendre leur président s’exprimer directement. De telles questions méritent une réponse, pas une insulte.
La vie m’a beaucoup donné : j’ai bâti une entreprise, j’ai connu le succès à la télévision, et les Américains m’ont confié cette fonction dès ma première candidature. Je n’y vois pas la preuve de mon génie, mais une responsabilité.
La meilleure réponse que je puisse apporter aux doutes sur mon jugement, c’est le travail accompli. J’invite chaque Américain à me juger sur pièces.
The Swiss edition
Switzerland: edition of the day
Vaudois Vaud: Morges, Lausanne, Yverdon
Vaudois, in the original
Bon. Y en a qui disent que j’ai plus toute ma tête. Moi je dis rien, hein. J’aurais meilleur temps de me taire. Mais quand même.
J’ai eu une entreprise qui tournait pas si mal, j’ai fait un peu de télé, et pis je suis devenu président du premier coup. Alors génie, génie… Faut voir. Je dirais pas génie. Je dirais que ça joue.
Et stable avec ça : trois verres de chasselas à Lavaux et je tiens encore debout sur la terrasse. Allez, y a pas le feu au lac. On en reparle à tantôt, ou bien ?
The English adaptation
Well. Some people are saying I’ve lost my marbles. I’m not saying anything, mind you. I’d be better off keeping quiet. But still.
I had a business that did all right, I did a bit of TV, and then I became president on the first go. So, genius… we’ll see. I wouldn’t say genius. I’d say it’s fine. It works.
And stable, too: three glasses of the local white on a vineyard terrace and I’m still standing. Come on, no rush, the lake isn’t on fire. We’ll talk about it later, yeah?
Lost in translation: the notes
- “Faut voir” (we’ll see) is the Vaudois national answer to any question: never yes, never no.
- “Ça joue” means “it works, it’s fine”. In Vaud, it is also the highest possible praise.
- “Y a pas le feu au lac”, literally “the lake isn’t on fire”: there is no hurry. Lake Geneva has never been on fire.
- “À tantôt” means “see you later today”. “Ou bien ?” turns any sentence into a question, or a request for agreement.
Draft: awaiting review by a local speaker
Valaisan Valais: Sion, Martigny, Sierre
Valaisan, in the original
Adieu tout le monde ! Ça va le chalet ? Paraît qu’à Berne et chez les gens d’en bas, on se demande si j’ai toute ma tête.
Écoutez voir : j’ai monté une entreprise, j’ai fait la télé, et je suis arrivé tout en haut du premier coup, comme on monte à l’alpage, sans m’arrêter à chaque lacet.
Un génie ? Ici, on appelle ça avoir la tête dure. Et stable, ça oui : stable comme un mazot sur ses pierres plates. Allez, on boit un verre de fendant et on n’en parle plus.
The English adaptation
Hello everyone! How’s the chalet? Word is that down in Bern, and among the lowlanders, people wonder whether I’ve still got all my wits.
Listen here: I built a business, I did TV, and I got all the way to the top on the first try, the way you climb to the summer pasture, without stopping at every hairpin.
A genius? Up here we call that being stubborn as a mule. And stable, oh yes: stable as an old granary on its stone stilts. Come on, have a glass of white and let’s say no more about it.
Lost in translation: the notes
- In Valais, “Adieu” is how you say hello, not goodbye. Visitors find this alarming.
- “Les gens d’en bas”, the people down below: everyone who does not live in the mountains, including most of Switzerland.
- A mazot is a small wooden granary standing on flat stone discs that keep the mice out. It has not moved in three hundred years.
- Fendant is the Valais name for its Chasselas white wine, and the usual way to end a discussion.
Draft: awaiting review by a local speaker
Genevois Geneva
Genevois, in the original
Bon, écoutez. Il paraît que certains s’interrogent sur ma santé mentale. À Genève, on accueille chaque semaine des chefs d’État persuadés d’être des génies, donc je comprends la confusion.
Mais moi, j’ai le dossier : une entreprise, la télévision, la présidence du premier coup. Un parcours qu’on présenterait volontiers en conférence au Palais des Nations, entre deux cafés à six francs cinquante.
Génie stable ? Disons stable comme le Jet d’eau : cent quarante mètres de haut, et on le coupe dès qu’il y a un peu de bise.
The English adaptation
Right, listen. Apparently some people have doubts about my mental health. In Geneva we host a head of state every week who is convinced he’s a genius, so I can see how people get confused.
But I’ve got the paperwork: a business, television, the presidency on the first try. The kind of career you’d present at a conference at the UN, between two coffees at seven dollars each.
A stable genius? Let’s say stable like Geneva’s famous fountain: 140 metres high, and switched off the moment there’s a bit of wind.
Lost in translation: the notes
- The Palais des Nations is the UN’s European headquarters. Geneva treats summits the way other cities treat traffic.
- The Jet d’eau, Geneva’s landmark fountain, is shut down when the bise, the cold north-east wind, blows too hard.
- Coffee prices are a Geneva conversation in themselves. We converted, roughly, to keep the sting.
Draft: awaiting review by a local speaker
The French edition
France: edition of the day
Parisien Paris
Parisien, in the original
Bon, on va pas y passer la nuit. Y a des gens qui doutent de ma santé mentale. Franchement, j’ai vu pire sur la ligne 13 à huit heures et demie.
J’ai monté une boîte, j’ai fait de la télé, j’ai été élu du premier coup. Sans piston. Enfin, presque.
Génie ? Le mot est faible, mais je suis modeste. Stable ? Plus que le RER B, en tout cas. Allez, j’ai une terrasse qui m’attend et un serveur qui va me regarder de haut.
The English adaptation
Right, let’s not make a whole night of it. Some people doubt my mental health. Honestly, I’ve seen worse on the subway at rush hour.
I started a company, did some TV, got elected on the first try. No connections. Well, almost none.
Genius? That’s an understatement, but I’m a modest man. Stable? More stable than the Paris commuter train, anyway. Now, I have a café terrace waiting for me and a waiter who’s going to look down on me.
Lost in translation: the notes
- Métro line 13 at rush hour is the Parisian benchmark for human suffering.
- The RER B, which links Paris to its airports, is famous for its delays. Comparing anything to it is never a compliment.
- “Sans piston”: without string-pulling. The “enfin, presque” does the rest.
Draft: awaiting review by a local speaker
Sud de la France Marseille, Provence
Sud de la France, in the original
Oh fan de chichourle ! Y en a qui disent que je suis fada ? Moi ? Peuchère…
Écoutez-moi bien : j’ai monté une affaire qui marchait du tonnerre, j’ai fait la télé, et je suis devenu président du premier coup. Dégun avait jamais vu ça ! Alors oui, je le dis tranquille, à l’ombre du platane : je suis un génie.
Et stable, hein ! Même avec le mistral à cent à l’heure, je bouge pas d’un poil. Vous me croyez pas ? C’est comme la sardine qui a bouché le port de Marseille : c’est vrai, je vous jure. Enfin… presque.
The English adaptation
Well, blow me down! Some people say I’m crazy? Me? Oh, bless them…
Listen to me carefully: I ran a business that was doing fantastically, I did TV, and I became president on the first try. Nobody had ever seen anything like it! So yes, I’ll say it calmly, in the shade of the plane tree: I am a genius.
And stable, eh! Even with the mistral blowing at a hundred kilometres an hour, I don’t budge an inch. You don’t believe me? It’s like the sardine that blocked the port of Marseille: it’s true, I swear. Well… almost.
Lost in translation: the notes
- “Fan de chichourle!” is a Provençal exclamation of surprise. It has no translation and needs none.
- “Fada” means crazy; “peuchère” expresses pity, tenderness or irony, depending on the shrug.
- “Dégun” means nobody. The mistral is the violent wind of the Rhône valley and Provence.
- The sardine that blocked the port of Marseille is the region’s proverbial tall tale. A popular explanation says it was really a ship named the Sartine. Marseille kept the better version.
Draft: awaiting review by a local speaker
An independent satirical project. Original statements are sourced and attributed. All presidential and regional adaptations are fictional, AI-assisted editorial interpretations.