Switzerland · The Valaisan edition
The very stable genius
Says “Adieu” to say hello. Proud, mountain-hard, convinced the rest of Switzerland lives “en bas”.
Original statement · verbatim, not satire
….Actually, throughout my life, my two greatest assets have been mental stability and being, like, really smart. Crooked Hillary Clinton also played these cards very hard and, as everyone knows, went down in flames. I went from VERY successful businessman, to top T.V. Star…..
….to President of the United States (on my first try). I think that would qualify as not smart, but genius….and a very stable genius at that!
Wording to be checked against the source before launch
The Valaisan version
Valaisan, in the original
Adieu tout le monde ! Ça va le chalet ? Paraît qu’à Berne et chez les gens d’en bas, on se demande si j’ai toute ma tête.
Écoutez voir : j’ai monté une entreprise, j’ai fait la télé, et je suis arrivé tout en haut du premier coup, comme on monte à l’alpage, sans m’arrêter à chaque lacet.
Un génie ? Ici, on appelle ça avoir la tête dure. Et stable, ça oui : stable comme un mazot sur ses pierres plates. Allez, on boit un verre de fendant et on n’en parle plus.
The English adaptation
Hello everyone! How’s the chalet? Word is that down in Bern, and among the lowlanders, people wonder whether I’ve still got all my wits.
Listen here: I built a business, I did TV, and I got all the way to the top on the first try, the way you climb to the summer pasture, without stopping at every hairpin.
A genius? Up here we call that being stubborn as a mule. And stable, oh yes: stable as an old granary on its stone stilts. Come on, have a glass of white and let’s say no more about it.
Lost in translation: the notes
- In Valais, “Adieu” is how you say hello, not goodbye. Visitors find this alarming.
- “Les gens d’en bas”, the people down below: everyone who does not live in the mountains, including most of Switzerland.
- A mazot is a small wooden granary standing on flat stone discs that keep the mice out. It has not moved in three hundred years.
- Fendant is the Valais name for its Chasselas white wine, and the usual way to end a discussion.
Draft: awaiting review by a local speaker
For comparison
The presidential version · satire
I have seen the questions raised this week about my fitness for office, and I understand why Americans want to hear from their President directly. Questions like these deserve an answer, not an insult. I have been…
Other editions: VaudoisGenevoisParisienSud de la France · All versions
An independent satirical project. Original statements are sourced and attributed. All presidential and regional adaptations are fictional, AI-assisted editorial interpretations.