Independent satire 9 November 2026 Swiss · French · American · British

Big Beautiful Flop Making presidential statements presidential again.

France · The Parisien edition

A Press Secretary like none other

Donald J. Trump

Original

I am pleased to announce that the Great Dana White, a violent Fighter and Warrior, has been offered the job of Press Secretary of the United States. I have requested that he bring with him assistants, even though some are not from our Country, of Islam Makhachev, Khabib Nurmagomedov, Justin Gaethje, Daniel Cormier, Amanda Nunes, and Kayla Harris. We need these people to defend us against the Lunatic Left. Dana will be a Press Secretary like none other. Dana, please take the job! President DONALD J. TRUMP

The Parisien version

Parisien (France)

Satire

J’ai proposé le poste de porte-parole à Dana White, un vrai combattant, avec des champions du monde entier comme assistants. Contre la gauche, il faut ce qu’il faut.

Chez vous, le porte-parole esquive les questions avec des phrases ; le mien les esquivera avec un crochet du gauche. C’est plus franc. Dana, prends le job, je t’en supplie. Enfin, je te le demande. Fermement.

English version

I’ve offered the press secretary job to Dana White, a real fighter, with champions from all over the world as his assistants. Against the left, you need what you need.

Your spokesmen dodge questions with long sentences; mine will dodge them with a left hook. It’s more honest. Dana, take the job, I’m begging you. Well, I’m asking. Firmly.

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An independent satirical project. Original statements are sourced and attributed. All presidential and regional adaptations are fictional, AI-assisted editorial interpretations.