The same message, as a serious and competent statesman would deliver it: an American President, a British diplomat, a French diplomat and a Swiss Federal President. Fictional interpretations, never real statements.
I will be interviewed tonight on “60 Minutes.” Hopefully, they will show all the good things we’ve done over the past 2 years, not even including the First Term, which was incredible. If we get help from the Republican Senate, we can still do things that are unbelievable! President DJT
The Diplomat
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The American PresidentThe presidential version: how a statesmanlike president would say it
Satire
Tonight I will sit down with 60 Minutes. I welcome the chance to answer hard questions and to speak directly to the American people about the work of the past two years: what we have achieved, and what remains to be done.
With the support of the Senate, there is still a great deal we can accomplish together, and I intend to make that case.
The British DiplomatA senior British diplomat or Prime Minister
Satire
His Majesty’s Government notes that the President will appear this evening on a respected American current affairs programme, and trusts that the exchange will be as illuminating as these occasions so often are.
We would observe, gently, that one rarely chooses which parts of an interview are broadcast. That, after all, is rather the point of a free press.
What he really means
He wants the programme to show only the good bits.
That is not how journalism works, and we think that is a good thing.
The French DiplomatA French President or a diplomat of the Quai d’Orsay
Satire
France welcomes every opportunity for a head of state to account for his record before a free press. An hour of questions on national television is a demanding exercise, and a healthy one for democracy.
We would only add, in friendship, that history tends to judge a record over decades rather than in a single broadcast, however well edited.
The Swiss PresidentA President of the Swiss Confederation
Satire
The Federal Council has taken note of this television interview.
In Switzerland, the President of the Confederation changes every year, which leaves little time for a two-year retrospective. Our record is set out in the Federal Council’s annual report to Parliament: several hundred pages, rarely broadcast in prime time.
The threats being made by the Democrat Party against innocent Republican Donors and Party Members are absolutely unprecedented, and totally illegal. Please report them to the Department of Justice, IMMEDIATELY! If you would like, send them directly to me, your President. These SLEAZEBAGS should go to jail for what they are doing. The Senate must act, and stop being pushed around to the point of the Republican Party losing Elections, and worse! Likewise, the DOJ and House of Representatives. Thank you for your attention to this matter. President DONALD J. TRUMP
The Diplomat
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The American PresidentThe presidential version: how a statesmanlike president would say it
Satire
I am concerned by reports that Republican donors and party members have received threatening messages. Intimidation has no place in our democracy, whoever it targets.
Anyone who receives a threat should report it to local law enforcement or to the FBI. The Department of Justice will assess each case independently, on the facts and the law. And I ask Congress to make sure that citizens of every party can support the candidates of their choice without fear.
The British DiplomatA senior British diplomat or Prime Minister
Satire
His Majesty’s Government has every confidence that, where threats against citizens are reported, the appropriate authorities will look into them. It is, if we may say so, a matter best left to the police and the courts rather than to the personal post of a Head of State.
Strong language has its place in politics. We find it is usually in the second draft, shortly before it is removed.
What he really means
If there are threats, the police should deal with them, not the President’s inbox.
And please stop calling people sleazebags.
The French DiplomatA French President or a diplomat of the Quai d’Orsay
Satire
France condemns, without reservation, any intimidation aimed at citizens because of their political commitments, wherever it comes from. In a democracy, such matters belong to independent justice, and to it alone.
We would add, with all the friendship that unites our two republics, that justice is best served when it is not asked to act “IMMEDIATELY” by the head of state himself.
The Swiss PresidentA President of the Swiss Confederation
Satire
The Federal Council takes seriously any threat against citizens who take part in political life. In Switzerland, such cases are reported to the police and handled by independent prosecutors, whatever the party of those involved.
We are attached to the separation of powers, and we have found that it works best when each power keeps its own letterbox.
I am pleased to announce that the Great Dana White, a violent Fighter and Warrior, has been offered the job of Press Secretary of the United States. I have requested that he bring with him assistants, even though some are not from our Country, of Islam Makhachev, Khabib Nurmagomedov, Justin Gaethje, Daniel Cormier, Amanda Nunes, and Kayla Harris. We need these people to defend us against the Lunatic Left. Dana will be a Press Secretary like none other. Dana, please take the job! President DONALD J. TRUMP
The Diplomat
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The American PresidentThe presidential version: how a statesmanlike president would say it
Satire
I have offered the position of White House Press Secretary to Dana White, who built one of the most successful sports organizations in the world. I admire his energy and his directness.
The Press Secretary’s job is to inform the American people and to answer the press, including its hardest questions. I am confident Dana would bring candor to that podium, and I hope he will accept.
The British DiplomatA senior British diplomat or Prime Minister
Satire
We note with interest the President’s choice of Mr White, whose experience in managing robust exchanges of views is beyond question. The briefing room can indeed be a lively place.
We would simply observe that, in our tradition, a spokesman’s most effective defence remains the phrase “I couldn’t possibly comment.”
What he really means
He is hiring a fight boss to deal with journalists.
We prefer to dodge questions politely. It hurts less.
The French DiplomatA French President or a diplomat of the Quai d’Orsay
Satire
France has always welcomed great champions, including those who come from abroad, and we warmly congratulate Mr White.
We confess to some surprise, however. In the French tradition, a government spokesperson defends the government with words, sometimes a great many words, but rarely with a submission hold.
The Swiss PresidentA President of the Swiss Confederation
Satire
The Federal Council takes note of this appointment and wishes Mr White every success in his new duties.
In Switzerland, the Federal Council’s spokesperson is the Vice-Chancellor, and our press conferences rarely require more protection than a glass of water. We remain at the disposal of all parties, should they ever wish to continue the debate in a quieter setting.
The Democrats are going around threatening a lot of people, including the Attorney General of the United States, and others, with Impeachment and many other forms of punishment, even though they admit they have no reason to do so, and there have been no impeachable acts committed, or even thought of, by the victims of this illegal process. This is extortion at the highest level, and they should be held accountable for this. Also, they’re threatening our Donors, some of the most respected people anywhere in the World, with imprisonment, and many other levels of punishment, just because they happen to be Republicans, or Republican supporters. This is Weaponization and Lawfare at another level. The Senator from Michigan, Elissa Slotkin, is saying that she is going to go after all young people that believe in Republican Values, and that give even the slightest inclination to be a Republican. The imprisonment should be against these EXTORTIONISTS, and Republicans should get smart, fast! Threatening letters have been sent to many people, all innocent, from Democrat Political Leaders. By copy of this statement, I am ordering the Department of Justice to look into this criminal act, immediately! President DONALD J. TRUMP
The Diplomat
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The American PresidentThe presidential version: how a statesmanlike president would say it
Satire
Several members of my administration, including the Attorney General, have been threatened with impeachment, and some Republican supporters say they have received letters warning them of legal consequences. I believe these threats are unjustified, and I am concerned that political disagreements are being turned into legal threats.
Impeachment is a serious constitutional process, reserved for serious misconduct, and it should never be used as a means of pressure. Anyone who believes they are being threatened unlawfully should contact law enforcement. It will be for the Department of Justice, acting independently, to determine whether any law was broken. I ask the leaders of both parties to lower the temperature.
The British DiplomatA senior British diplomat or Prime Minister
Satire
His Majesty’s Government does not comment on the domestic political affairs of our closest ally, and will therefore confine itself to a general observation.
Impeachment, prosecution and imprisonment are serious matters. In our experience they are best decided by parliaments and courts respectively, and only rarely by press release.
What he really means
We don’t comment. But we will anyway:
a president should not order prosecutions in a social media post.
The French DiplomatA French President or a diplomat of the Quai d’Orsay
Satire
France follows with attention, and with deep respect for American institutions, the debates currently under way in Washington.
Political confrontation is the lifeblood of democracy; independent courts are its guarantee. We trust that the Department of Justice will act with the independence that American democracy rightly expects of it.
The Swiss PresidentA President of the Swiss Confederation
Satire
The Federal Council does not comment on the internal politics of friendly countries.
We would only recall that in Switzerland there is no impeachment of a member of the government: Parliament simply decides, every four years, whether to re-elect them. And the people vote four times a year, which leaves very little time for threatening letters.
I am pleased to announce that Mr. Stephen Miller, the current Deputy Chief of Staff of the Trump Administration, and one of my most trusted advisors, will become the Chief of Staff starting Monday, November 9, 2026. Susie Wiles, who has done an outstanding job, will be moving over to the Trump Political Operation. I want to thank her for her service as Chief of Staff — She has done a great job! President DONALD J. TRUMP
The Diplomat
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The American PresidentThe presidential version: how a statesmanlike president would say it
Satire
Today I am announcing that Stephen Miller, currently Deputy Chief of Staff, will become White House Chief of Staff on Monday, November 9.
Susie Wiles, who has served with distinction in that role, will now lead our political operation. I am grateful for her service and wish them both well in their new responsibilities.
Israel and, in fact, the entire Middle East, WOULD NOT EXIST TODAY if I did not stop Iran from having a Nuclear Weapon. Nobody wants to say that, but everybody knows it’s true! President DONALD J. TRUMP
The Diplomat
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The American PresidentThe presidential version: how a statesmanlike president would say it
Satire
Preventing Iran from obtaining a nuclear weapon has been one of the most important decisions of my presidency. I believe it has made Israel, and the whole Middle East, far safer than it would otherwise be.
History will judge that record. I am confident in how it will judge it.
MAGA Warrior Joe Gruters, who has been with us from the very beginning, is running to continue as Chairman of the Republican National Committee. As Chairman, Joe turned the RNC into an efficient, focused, and powerful machine that will continue to empower the America First Agenda for many years to come.
As State Senator and Chairman of the Republican Party of Florida, Joe helped us deliver massive and historic Victories across the State, including my three BIG WINS in 2016, 2020, and 2024! Joe was the Chairman of Florida when I won that Great State by the Highest Vote Margin in History, as we then went on to win the 2024 Presidential Election. As Sarasota County Chairman, Joe named me Statesman of the Year in both 2012 and 2015 — The only person to ever win it two times!
Joe Gruters should return as Chairman of the RNC to continue to build our Party, and be a trusted partner as we MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, and ensure Free and Fair Elections. Republicans everywhere should support him as he continues his mission at the RNC. Joe is 100% America First, the Grassroots LOVES him, and I know he will do an incredible job in 2028, and secure Great Success for Republicans all across our Country. Joe has my Complete and Total Endorsement — HE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN! President DONALD J. TRUMP
The Diplomat
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The American PresidentThe presidential version: how a statesmanlike president would say it
Satire
Joe Gruters has led the Republican National Committee with energy and discipline, and I am proud to support his bid to continue as Chairman.
Joe has been part of our movement from the start: in the Florida Senate, as chairman of the Republican Party of Florida, and now at the RNC. I believe he is the right person to build our party, support our candidates across the country and help ensure free and fair elections. He has my full endorsement.
As President, I am 100% in favor of Super Intelligence (SI), and will work with the many States in the U.S. that want to become RICH by having them. They are GOLD, and only foolish leadership will say “NO” to the riches they bring! President DJT
The Diplomat
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The American PresidentThe presidential version: how a statesmanlike president would say it
Satire
My administration strongly supports the development of advanced artificial intelligence, and we will work with every state that wants to host this industry and the investment and jobs it brings.
Each state will make its own choice. I believe those that say yes will prosper, and I will make the case to the others with arguments, not insults.
The British DiplomatA senior British diplomat or Prime Minister
Satire
His Majesty’s Government notes with interest the President’s enthusiasm for super intelligence, which we share, if perhaps at a slightly lower volume.
The potential benefits for prosperity are considerable, and we look forward to working with partners who wish to realise them. We would gently observe that those who choose a different course are rarely persuaded by being called foolish. In our experience, a cup of tea and a consultation paper go further.
What he really means
We agree with him, but he is shouting.
AI could make a lot of money and we would like some of it. Insulting people who disagree never works. We will do this slowly, with paperwork.
The French DiplomatA French President or a diplomat of the Quai d’Orsay
Satire
France welcomes the US President’s interest in artificial intelligence, a field in which French researchers and companies are among the best in the world. We share the conviction that these technologies will bring prosperity.
But France also believes that power only makes sense if it serves people. That is why, with our European partners, we stand for artificial intelligence that is both ambitious and regulated. As for those who hesitate, we do not call them foolish: we invite them to a summit in Paris, and we all come out with a joint declaration.
The Swiss PresidentA President of the Swiss Confederation
Satire
The Federal Council is following developments in artificial intelligence with great attention. These technologies offer real opportunities for our economy, our research and our jobs.
As is our tradition, each canton will decide for itself, and the Confederation will support those that wish to move forward. In Switzerland, we do not consider those who prefer caution to be foolish: we consider them part of the conversation. Should the question become important enough, the people will have the last word.
I wasn’t on the Ballot and if I was, we would have won IN A LANDSLIDE! Thank you for your attention to this matter. President DONALD J. TRUMP
The Diplomat
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The American PresidentThe presidential version: how a statesmanlike president would say it
Satire
I was not a candidate in tonight’s elections, but our agenda was on the ballot in every state, and I remain confident that it has the support of a great many Americans.
I thank everyone who voted. Now the work continues, with the Congress the American people have chosen.
The British DiplomatA senior British diplomat or Prime Minister
Satire
His Majesty’s Government notes that the President was not a candidate in these elections, and that he has nonetheless taken a close interest in their outcome.
In our experience, hypothetical elections are the most reliably won. We wish the newly elected members of Congress every success.
What he really means
He wasn’t standing.
He would like you to know he would have won anyway. Nobody can prove otherwise, which is rather the beauty of it.
The French DiplomatA French President or a diplomat of the Quai d’Orsay
Satire
France has followed these midterm elections with the greatest interest: they are a moment of democratic vitality for our oldest ally.
In France, too, the Constitution limits the President to two consecutive terms. We have learned that a leader’s legacy is measured less by the elections he imagines winning than by the institutions he leaves stronger behind him.
The Swiss PresidentA President of the Swiss Confederation
Satire
The Federal Council takes note of these elections.
In Switzerland, the members of the Federal Council are never on a ballot: they are elected by Parliament. The people, meanwhile, vote on the issues themselves, several times a year. Landslides are rare; we find this restful.