Independent satire 9 November 2026 Swiss · French · American · British

Big Beautiful Flop Making presidential statements presidential again.

United States · The Midwest edition

Extortion at the highest level

Donald J. Trump

Original

The Democrats are going around threatening a lot of people, including the Attorney General of the United States, and others, with Impeachment and many other forms of punishment, even though they admit they have no reason to do so, and there have been no impeachable acts committed, or even thought of, by the victims of this illegal process. This is extortion at the highest level, and they should be held accountable for this. Also, they’re threatening our Donors, some of the most respected people anywhere in the World, with imprisonment, and many other levels of punishment, just because they happen to be Republicans, or Republican supporters. This is Weaponization and Lawfare at another level. The Senator from Michigan, Elissa Slotkin, is saying that she is going to go after all young people that believe in Republican Values, and that give even the slightest inclination to be a Republican. The imprisonment should be against these EXTORTIONISTS, and Republicans should get smart, fast! Threatening letters have been sent to many people, all innocent, from Democrat Political Leaders. By copy of this statement, I am ordering the Department of Justice to look into this criminal act, immediately! President DONALD J. TRUMP

The Midwest version

Midwest (United States)

Satire

Well, sounds like an awful lot of folks are upset with each other right now. Threatening letters aren’t very neighborly, whoever’s sending them.

But ordering the Justice Department around from your phone? That’s not how we’d go about it either. Out here we’d sit everybody down, put on a pot of coffee and let the judge figure it out.

In plain English

The Midwest dislikes threats from anyone, and also dislikes a president giving orders to the Justice Department by social media post.

Its solution: calm down, talk it over, and let the courts decide.

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An independent satirical project. Original statements are sourced and attributed. All presidential and regional adaptations are fictional, AI-assisted editorial interpretations.