I wasn’t on the Ballot and if I was, we would have won IN A LANDSLIDE! Thank you for your attention to this matter. President DONALD J. TRUMP
The presidential version
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The American PresidentThe presidential version: how a statesmanlike president would say it
Satire
I was not a candidate in tonight’s elections, but our agenda was on the ballot in every state, and I remain confident that it has the support of a great many Americans.
I thank everyone who voted. Now the work continues, with the Congress the American people have chosen.
J’étais pas sur le bulletin. Et si j’y avais été, on aurait gagné, et pas qu’un peu : un raz-de-marée.
Bon, je dis ça, je dis rien. Chez nous on dit « y en a point comme nous », mais on le dit doucement, entre deux verres de chasselas, pas en majuscules. Alors disons qu’on aurait gagné… faut voir. Merci de votre attention, quand vous aurez un moment.
English version
I wasn’t on the ballot. And if I had been, we’d have won, and not by a little: a landslide.
Well, I’m just saying, I’m not saying anything. Round here we say “there’s nobody like us”, but we say it quietly, between two glasses of Chasselas, not in capital letters. So let’s say we would have won… we’ll see. Thank you for your attention, whenever you have a moment.
Adieu ! J’étais pas sur le bulletin. Si j’y avais été, on gagnait par avalanche. Pas par glissement de terrain : par avalanche.
Ceux d’en bas peuvent bien voter ce qu’ils veulent. Chez nous, on monte voter à pied, on redescend pour la raclette, et le résultat, on le connaît avant même d’ouvrir l’urne. Merci de votre attention, et fermez la porte, vous laissez entrer le froid.
English version
Adieu! I wasn’t on the ballot. If I had been, we’d have won by an avalanche. Not a landslide: an avalanche.
The people down in the lowlands can vote however they like. Up here we walk up to vote, walk back down for the raclette, and we know the result before the ballot box is even opened. Thank you for your attention, and shut the door, you’re letting the cold in.
Parisien (France)Paris
Satire
J’étais même pas sur le bulletin. Et si j’y avais été, on gagnait par K.-O., direct, au premier tour.
Mais bon, voter, faut y aller : la ligne 13 est blindée, le bureau de vote est au fond d’une école, et l’assesseur te regarde comme si tu lui devais de l’argent. Moi, j’aurais gagné sans même me déplacer. Merci de votre attention, enfin, si vous avez cinq minutes, parce que moi je suis pressé.
English version
I wasn’t even on the ballot. And if I had been, we’d have won by knockout, straight away, in the first round.
But hey, voting means actually going: the line 13 metro is packed, the polling station is at the back of a school, and the official at the table looks at you like you owe him money. Me, I’d have won without even leaving the house. Thank you for your attention, that is, if you’ve got five minutes, because I’m in a hurry.
Sud de la FranceMarseille, Provence
Satire
J’étais pas sur le bulletin. Mais si j’y avais été, peuchère, on gagnait cent mille à zéro. Que dis-je : un million.
Les autres, ils faisaient Fanny, devant tout le monde, sur la place du village. Et je vous le dis sans exagérer, moi je n’exagère jamais : on en aurait parlé jusqu’à Marseille, et même jusqu’à Toulon. Merci pour votre attention, et ça, c’est pas une galéjade.
English version
I wasn’t on the ballot. But if I had been, good heavens, we’d have won a hundred thousand to nil. What am I saying: a million.
The others would have had to kiss Fanny, in front of everybody, on the village square. And I tell you without exaggerating, I never exaggerate: they’d have talked about it all the way to Marseille, and even to Toulon. Thank you for your attention, and that’s no tall tale.
United States
Texas (United States)Austin, Dallas, Houston
Satire
I wasn’t even on the ballot. And if I had been, we would’ve won so big you’d need a bigger map. Texas-sized. Bigger than Texas, and I don’t say that lightly around here.
Folks, a landslide is for amateurs. We’d have won a stampede. Thank you kindly for your attention to this matter.
In plain English
He points out he wasn’t a candidate, and says that if he had been, his victory would have been enormous: “Texas-sized”, the state’s favourite unit of measurement.
A landslide isn’t big enough for him: he wants a stampede, a cattle-country word for everyone charging in the same direction.
Boston (United States)Boston, Massachusetts
Satire
I wasn’t on the ballot. If I was, we’d have won in a landslide. A wicked big one. Bigger than the ’04 comeback.
And don’t give me the polls. This town was arguing about taxes before there was a country to vote in. Thanks for your attention, now get outta the way, I’m double-parked.
In plain English
He says he would have won enormously (“wicked” means “very” in Boston) and compares it to 2004, when the Red Sox came back from three games down to beat the Yankees.
He waves away the polls, recalls that Boston was arguing about taxes before the United States existed (the Boston Tea Party, 1773), and leaves in a hurry: he’s double-parked.
United Kingdom
Scotland (United Kingdom)Glasgow, Edinburgh
Satire
I wasn’t even on the ballot. And if I had been, we’d have won in a landslide. A proper one, not a wee one.
Mind you, we know a thing or two about results up here. We gave the world the television you watched them on, and the telephone you’d have phoned to complain. Anyone who says I wouldn’t have won? Aye, right. Thanks for your attention to this matter.
In plain English
He wasn’t a candidate, but says he would have won a “proper” landslide, not a “wee” (small) one.
He reminds everyone that Scots gave the world the television (John Logie Baird) and the telephone (Alexander Graham Bell, born in Edinburgh), and answers any doubters with “aye, right”: the famous Scottish double positive that means “no chance”.
The Diplomat
The American President is just above. Here, the other statesmen.
The British DiplomatA senior British diplomat or Prime Minister
Satire
His Majesty’s Government notes that the President was not a candidate in these elections, and that he has nonetheless taken a close interest in their outcome.
In our experience, hypothetical elections are the most reliably won. We wish the newly elected members of Congress every success.
What he really means
He wasn’t standing.
He would like you to know he would have won anyway. Nobody can prove otherwise, which is rather the beauty of it.
The French DiplomatA French President or a diplomat of the Quai d’Orsay
Satire
France has followed these midterm elections with the greatest interest: they are a moment of democratic vitality for our oldest ally.
In France, too, the Constitution limits the President to two consecutive terms. We have learned that a leader’s legacy is measured less by the elections he imagines winning than by the institutions he leaves stronger behind him.
The Swiss PresidentA President of the Swiss Confederation
Satire
The Federal Council takes note of these elections.
In Switzerland, the members of the Federal Council are never on a ballot: they are elected by Parliament. The people, meanwhile, vote on the issues themselves, several times a year. Landslides are rare; we find this restful.
The FoxNews Poll, always the worst, is so insulting with the questions they ask. Every question is a hit job, and every answer is "BULLSHIT!" This has been going on for years. President DONALD J. TRUMP
The presidential version
★
The American PresidentThe presidential version: how a statesmanlike president would say it
Satire
I have long had concerns about the way the Fox News poll frames its questions. The wording of a question shapes the answer, and I do not believe these surveys reflect the views of many Americans.
Polls come and go. Today, the only one that counts is the vote, and I encourage every American to cast theirs.
Around the world
Switzerland & France
Fribourgeois (Switzerland)Fribourg, La Gruyère
Satire
Le sondage de Fox News, toujours le pire, me pose des questions insultantes. Chaque question est un coup monté, et chaque réponse, c’est « n’importe quoi ! ». Ça dure depuis des années.
Chez nous, à la Bénichon, il y a un sondage tous les ans, avec une seule question : « Encore un peu de cuchaule avec la moutarde ? » Personne ne la trouve insultante, et tout le monde répond oui. Voilà un sondage sérieux. Fox News devrait venir voir comment on fait.
English version
The Fox News poll, always the worst, asks me insulting questions. Every question is a set-up, and every answer is “rubbish!”. It’s been going on for years.
Round here, at the Bénichon, there’s a poll every year, with just one question: “A bit more cuchaule with the mustard?” Nobody finds it insulting, and everybody says yes. Now that’s a serious poll. Fox News should come and see how it’s done.
Genevois (Switzerland)Geneva
Satire
Le sondage de Fox News, toujours le pire, avec des questions qui me vexent. Chaque question est un coup monté, et chaque réponse, c’est « des foutaises ! ». Et ça dure depuis des années.
Remarquez, à Genève, on a l’habitude des grandes conférences où chacun trouve les questions de l’autre insultantes. On en tire une déclaration finale de quarante pages, on la signe au bord du lac, et le soir tout le monde dîne ensemble. Moi, je veux bien signer : à condition qu’on supprime les questions.
English version
The Fox News poll, always the worst, with questions that offend me. Every question is a set-up, and every answer is “nonsense!”. And it’s been going on for years.
Mind you, in Geneva we’re used to big conferences where everyone finds the other side’s questions insulting. We turn it into a forty-page final declaration, sign it by the lake, and in the evening everyone has dinner together. I’m happy to sign: as long as they drop the questions.
Lyonnais (France)Lyon
Satire
Le sondage de Fox News, toujours le pire, me pose des questions insultantes. Chaque question est un coup monté, et chaque réponse, c’est « des bêtises ! ». Ça dure depuis des années.
À Lyon, on connaît ce théâtre : c’est Guignol. Le gendarme pose les questions, et Guignol répond à coups de bâton. Les enfants applaudissent depuis deux siècles. Moi, je fais pareil avec Fox News, et franchement, les gones, j’attends toujours les applaudissements.
English version
The Fox News poll, always the worst, asks me insulting questions. Every question is a set-up, and every answer is “twaddle!”. It’s been going on for years.
In Lyon we know this show: it’s Guignol. The policeman asks the questions, and Guignol answers with a stick. Children have been clapping for two centuries. I do the same with Fox News, and frankly, guys, I’m still waiting for the applause.
Ch’ti (France)Nord: Lille, Valenciennes
Satire
Le sondage de Fox News, toujours le pire, avec ses questions qui m’insultent. Chaque question, c’est un coup monté, et chaque réponse, c’est « des carabistouilles ! ». Et ça dure depuis des années, biloute.
Chez nous, si un sondeur sonne à la porte, on le fait entrer, on lui sert un café et une part de tarte au sucre, et à la fin, c’est lui qui répond à nos questions. Fox News, viens donc à la maison : on causera, et tu repartiras avec la bonne réponse.
English version
The Fox News poll, always the worst, with questions that insult me. Every question is a set-up, and every answer is “codswallop!”. And it’s been going on for years, mate.
Round here, if a pollster rings the bell, we invite him in, give him a coffee and a slice of sugar tart, and by the end he’s the one answering our questions. Fox News, come on round: we’ll have a chat, and you’ll leave with the right answer.
United States
Deep South (United States)Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi
Satire
Now, I don’t like to speak ill of anybody, but the Fox News poll, bless its heart, is always the worst. Every question they ask is just plain ugly, and every answer is a word my mama would have washed out with soap.
This has been going on for years. A gentleman never holds a grudge. He just remembers everything, forever. More sweet tea?
In plain English
Southern politeness at its most dangerous: “bless its heart” sounds kind and means the opposite. He finds the questions “ugly” (rude) and the answer unprintable.
He claims not to hold grudges, while making it clear he forgets nothing, and offers you more iced tea.
New York (United States)New York City
Satire
The Fox News poll, always the worst. The questions? Insulting. Every one’s a hit job, and every answer is a word I can’t repeat, and believe me, I’ve heard them all on the subway.
This has been going on for years. You want a real poll? Get in a cab. The driver will tell you what he thinks of everybody, for free, whether you asked or not.
In plain English
He calls the Fox News poll the worst and its questions insulting, and says the answer to every one is a word he would rather not repeat (New Yorkers have heard them all on the subway).
His idea of a real poll: a New York taxi driver, who gives his opinion on everything without being asked.
United Kingdom
Wales (United Kingdom)Cardiff, Swansea
Satire
The Fox News poll, always the worst, with insulting questions. Every one’s a hit job, and every answer is something you wouldn’t say in chapel.
Been going on for years, mind. Here we’d settle it properly: a male voice choir, four-part harmony, and the answer sung so loud nobody can hear the question. Tidy.
In plain English
He finds the poll’s questions insulting and the answer unfit for chapel, the Welsh nonconformist church at the heart of village life.
His solution: drown out the question with a Welsh male voice choir. “Tidy” is Welsh English for “good, sorted”.
The Diplomat
The American President is just above. Here, the other statesmen.
The British DiplomatA senior British diplomat or Prime Minister
Satire
His Majesty’s Government has noted the President’s views on the Fox News poll, and on the wording of its questions.
In Britain, too, polls are occasionally wrong, and politicians occasionally say so. It is customary, however, to wait until the results are in.
What he really means
He does not like the questions.
We suspect he has seen the answers.
The French DiplomatA French President or a diplomat of the Quai d’Orsay
Satire
France considers the freedom to ask questions, including uncomfortable ones, to be the very foundation of public debate.
We would gently add that in France, polls may not be published on the day before the vote or on polling day itself. The rule spares candidates a great deal of irritation, and voters a great deal of noise.
The Swiss PresidentA President of the Swiss Confederation
Satire
The Federal Council takes note of the President’s views on opinion polls.
In Switzerland, the people answer the real questions themselves, up to four times a year, in popular votes. The questions are sometimes long and difficult, and voters sometimes find them irritating. They answer anyway, and the Federal Council respects the answer, whatever it is.
An independent satirical project. Original statements are sourced and attributed. All presidential and regional adaptations are fictional, AI-assisted editorial interpretations.