I am pleased to announce that the Great Dana White, a violent Fighter and Warrior, has been offered the job of Press Secretary of the United States. I have requested that he bring with him assistants, even though some are not from our Country, of Islam Makhachev, Khabib Nurmagomedov, Justin Gaethje, Daniel Cormier, Amanda Nunes, and Kayla Harris. We need these people to defend us against the Lunatic Left. Dana will be a Press Secretary like none other. Dana, please take the job! President DONALD J. TRUMP
The Texas version
Texas (United States)Austin, Dallas, Houston
Satire
Well, I’ve offered the press secretary job to Dana White, a real fighter, a warrior. And I’ve asked him to bring a few champions along, some of them not from around here, because we need folks who can handle the Lunatic Left.
In Texas, we’d call that a town hall meeting. Dana, it’s a big job in a big country. Saddle up and take it!
In plain English
He has offered the job to a fight promoter, with champions as backup, against the “Lunatic Left”.
In Texas, a press room full of fighters sounds like a normal town meeting; he wants Dana to “saddle up” and accept.
As President, I am 100% in favor of Super Intelligence (SI), and will work with the many States in the U.S. that want to become RICH by having them. They are GOLD, and only foolish leadership will say “NO” to the riches they bring! President DJT
The Texas version
Texas (United States)Austin, Dallas, Houston
Satire
I’m a hundred percent for super intelligence, and in Texas a hundred percent means a hundred and ten. We’ve got the land, we’ve got the power plants and we’ve got the attitude.
Any state that wants to get rich can come on down. The ones that say no can watch us build it from their porch. Everything’s bigger here, data centers included.
In plain English
Texas is all in on AI and believes it has the space, the electricity and the confidence to host it.
Other states are welcome to join; the ones that refuse will simply watch Texas do it first. Everything is bigger in Texas, including the data centers.
I wasn’t on the Ballot and if I was, we would have won IN A LANDSLIDE! Thank you for your attention to this matter. President DONALD J. TRUMP
The Texas version
Texas (United States)Austin, Dallas, Houston
Satire
I wasn’t even on the ballot. And if I had been, we would’ve won so big you’d need a bigger map. Texas-sized. Bigger than Texas, and I don’t say that lightly around here.
Folks, a landslide is for amateurs. We’d have won a stampede. Thank you kindly for your attention to this matter.
In plain English
He points out he wasn’t a candidate, and says that if he had been, his victory would have been enormous: “Texas-sized”, the state’s favourite unit of measurement.
A landslide isn’t big enough for him: he wants a stampede, a cattle-country word for everyone charging in the same direction.