I am pleased to announce that the Great Dana White, a violent Fighter and Warrior, has been offered the job of Press Secretary of the United States. I have requested that he bring with him assistants, even though some are not from our Country, of Islam Makhachev, Khabib Nurmagomedov, Justin Gaethje, Daniel Cormier, Amanda Nunes, and Kayla Harris. We need these people to defend us against the Lunatic Left. Dana will be a Press Secretary like none other. Dana, please take the job! President DONALD J. TRUMP
The Boston version
Boston (United States)Boston, Massachusetts
Satire
I offered Dana White the press secretary job. Fighter, warrior, the whole deal. He’s bringing a few champions too, some from overseas, don’t care.
You want to handle the press in this country? Kid, I’ve been in the room after the Red Sox lose to the Yankees. Dana, take the job. And bring more guys.
In plain English
He has offered the job to Dana White and his fighters, and doesn’t care where they come from.
As a Bostonian, he knows sports press conferences can be brutal, so Dana had better bring backup.
As President, I am 100% in favor of Super Intelligence (SI), and will work with the many States in the U.S. that want to become RICH by having them. They are GOLD, and only foolish leadership will say “NO” to the riches they bring! President DJT
The Boston version
Boston (United States)Boston, Massachusetts
Satire
Super intelligence, I’m for it. A hundred percent. States that want it get rich, end of story, it’s gold.
States that say no? Foolish. Wicked foolish. We’ve had super intelligence here since 1636, it’s called Harvard, so trust me, I know smart. And I know the other thing too.
In plain English
He backs AI bluntly, Boston-style: it is gold, full stop.
Refusing states are “wicked foolish” (“wicked” means “very” in Boston), and as a city of great universities, Boston knows the difference.
I wasn’t on the Ballot and if I was, we would have won IN A LANDSLIDE! Thank you for your attention to this matter. President DONALD J. TRUMP
The Boston version
Boston (United States)Boston, Massachusetts
Satire
I wasn’t on the ballot. If I was, we’d have won in a landslide. A wicked big one. Bigger than the ’04 comeback.
And don’t give me the polls. This town was arguing about taxes before there was a country to vote in. Thanks for your attention, now get outta the way, I’m double-parked.
In plain English
He says he would have won enormously (“wicked” means “very” in Boston) and compares it to 2004, when the Red Sox came back from three games down to beat the Yankees.
He waves away the polls, recalls that Boston was arguing about taxes before the United States existed (the Boston Tea Party, 1773), and leaves in a hurry: he’s double-parked.